Day Of Defeat

Hands-up. I surrender. Crap i sort of lost the mind-battle to Satan today. Nvm just for today; my God has set me free and victorious.

Firstly, confession. I sort of went back to the heavy metal abit on youtube. I wanted to just see how pro the new guitar talent Alexi Laiho was. Shucks why do all the best and my fav players play heavy metal?!? Ok i guess its not that; i guess i still love rock music. But God gently brought me out of it, and He still is. I guess rock music's got a new meaning in my life now..i'm rockin for Jesus man:) No one, i repeat, no one has seen me rockin out in my room when the doors are locked and i'm just playin for Him. Pure rockin worship. Haha headbangin worship...ok shan't go on.

After that I felt so empty again. I lost focus, and than i started thinkin bout life again. I went back to the lies of how sad my life is. I feel that I've been practically a loner my whole life, living in my own world. I regretted not building true friendships. I still can't love myself; my personality and the fact that I find it so hard to express myself. I guess thats why it's so hard for me to get out of depression. Basically, I feel I've got no life man.

Kevin Lam. It's time to snap back. That's the old childish you. Say byebye.

Byebye. HAHA. I say i've got no life. But in the first place, what's life? My life is Jesus, and i need nothin else. He's all i need. Only He can satisfy. When it's meaningless, meaningless, meaningless...everything under the sun becoming meaningless; Jesus brought purpose into my life.

I know that this is quite bad, but frankly speaking, I don't want to do what my dad is doing right now. It's so depressing man. He's all alone here when we're in Singapore; the rest are all China people. The office everything just looks depressing; no decoration whatsoever except for a world map and some lizards. On weekends, he goes to town and there's nothin much to do. And the worse thing? CAN'T GO TO CHURCH. He can hardly join his pcg in Singapore.

I'm amazed sometimes, at how he can tahan it. I always asks him that. I always ask what drives him. He says it's us. MAN. A glimpse of our heavenly Father's love? Just look at your earthly one.

Still, I won't want to be in a job that I dread everyday. I don't want to do something because I have to. Becaused I'm forced to. I wanna do somethin that is meaningful. That glorifies His name.

Few months back I saw a video of Sonicflood on youtube (again?!?), and it showed them in some developing country, doing missions. In the day, they were doing normal mission work, helping out the poor and stuff. At night? BANG. WOW. They do their shows and concerts, all worshipping together as one. Haha i just dunno how to express, but in my mind I went," That's it man. That's my dream." Haha my dream future name card would be somethin like this:

Company of the Holy Spirit

Kevin Lam Jian Ming

Servant of God/Lead guitarist

We specialise in savings souls and bringing good music to them.

Address: Blk 77 Heaven Road

(ER...) Goodluck Garden...HAHAHA

Alright i'll stop this lameness. Haha i guess in e end, God may not give me that. He'll just give something better. And even more meaningful. Not what I want, but what He wants for me. Maybe helping those who are in depression? i dunno..i really wanna help them too. And i guess i'll start by lookin out. Yup but no one can fathom His ways. Afterall, who has ever been spot-on in predicting His ways?

Yup as of now, thats what i would like on my name card. What about you?

Be the fire in my heart

Be the wind in these sails

Be the reason that I live

Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, be the centre

Be my source, be my light, Jesus

Jesus, be the centre

Be my hope, be my song, Jesus