Sorry Fren

It hurts when I hurt others. Especially those closer. And knowing that inevitably, your 101th mistake will surely change their faith and trust in you, even if unconsciously: ouch.

The real pain was that I always wanted to be a faithful friend, yet failed to. I thought I'd been one, but in the end failed to; that was a real stab in the heart. Yea sorry for the shock. That thought was simply 'unredeemable' I guess, and yea I really didn't mean it. Selfish, heartless, childish. I guess I failed the ‘test’ of friendship huh.

I hope you know though, that I kinda struggled for 2 years, my own fault and not anyone's, and maybe I just blurted out this time coz I really really dunno what to do already. There were really unbearable times, but I just held on and didn’t say anything. That’s when the thoughts came in. But this time I just couldn’t take it, but I really didn’t mean it. I really didn’t mean it. The joys and jokes far surpassed the bad times, and I am grateful especially after so much nonsense I’ve caused. But I guess for now, the damage is done. I'm still here to offer anything, if there's any.

Of course I wanna be normal and myself and everything, and I'll really try my best. Maybe you can’t understand why I can’t be just normal; maybe coz it never really hurt you like that before. Thank God it didn’t. Yea I don’t wanna be fake at the same time? Coz sometimes it’s just painful, so it’s hard to be myself. But yea I promised I’ll give my all, and I think I already gave my all since the start. If still not good enough, I’m sorry. Guess God’s the only one who won’t disappoint.