You are God

Jonah 4:4 But the LORD replied, "Have you any right to be angry?"

Ouch

Everything just flew back.

But You are good, Lord. I will run to the Hiding Place.

Trust the Seasons; why not God?

I'm supposed to be preparing for worship ministry meeting, but need to put down my thoughts. Maybe let off some steam :(

These few weeks have been a blank. Yea working takes away your time to think; to really sit down and think. My sis said when people start working, their hearts really harden. Yea, coz there's less time to get in touch with ur emotions. Yet, at times it felt like an emo coaster still. Thank you all who were just there. No idea man; no idea how grateful I am.

Crossroads. To the left is the path that ends up in hell. For those who gave up following Him and chose the dark side. Because of what they see at the crossroads, they want the easy way out. Not a nice ending though. To the right is heaven. The journey seems impossible though. But of course. Only the God of miracles can carry them through. Signboards show His unending grace; it's always there. We just gotta choose.

What determines who go left or right? Faith. Lose it; turn left. Choose to believe? Proceed to the way everlasting.

Here i am standing at the crossroads. At times, it's easy to trust in the Lord and say: 'Yes I'll keep running after You." The next second, as I start talking about stuff, I get so angry. I realise there's still so much bitterness and disappointment. Talking or thinking about stuff makes my blood boil. Fine it's my fault; but didn't I try to do something about it?

Sometimes, it's not nice if I have to lead people to worship the One whom I myself feel disappointed and angry with. Each time I have to step on stage to lead worship or plan worship stuff, I have to humble myself before Him and pray: "Lord take my anger away. I know there's a blindspot I'm missing out, and this disappointment in me is uncalled for, because I know You are good always. I choose to leave it at the foot of the cross and surrender everything to You as You use me."

"Do the same now, as I prepare for the meeting."

The path to hell ironically looks tempting, since along the way, I don't have to please the One whom I'm disappointed with.

"Lord give me grace. Grace to hang on to You. To CHOOSE You. To TRUST You."

Yea God's as faithful as the changing seasons. As sure as spring comes after winter, surely He will turn our mourning into dancing.

From the Purpose driven devotional:
Read this sentence three times: “The Truth is not dependent on my ability to understand what is going on.” (OK, go back and really repeat it three times!) Let God interpret the facts; let him explain the situation. Meanwhile, focus on God and not on your limited ability to understand events or circumstances. “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV)

Turn it Around

Yesterday, I had an escape to ECP, with somebody who happened to over sleep and miss church once again. Hahahahaha. Thx Kel it was a treasured day of rest, chillax, pouring out my frustrations and brotherly love. Good food of course. No worries we ain't gay, and Corrinne is not just a decoy. Or a tool.HAHAHAHA. Sq will get that:)

After a week of tears, I thank God for those who stuck thru and was there, and some who simply were themselves and just allowing me to be myself. Now I start the week with a new song in my heart, throwing away what's behind and looking forward to the glorious future.

Haha yay Kel has a dream like mine: To go for missions! Him, Cor, myself and God-knows-who, to God-knows-where. HA!! Impossible is nothing.

I thought maybe that was what God wanted. I was just wondering man, not that I meant it or will really do it. To be a friend who sticks through and never fails; that's all I ever wanted to be. And I still wanna be. But I guess maybe inevitably, we still disappoint others no matter how hard we try, and that's when God comes in and reminds only He is perfect. I don't know what else I can do, or try to do, but it's all up to Him from now I guess. A knot only He can untie.

10 years from now, I look back and will prob laugh at myself, maybe with a hint of disgust. For my failures to God and others, unnecessary tears etc. But i know there'll be a smile too, for the path that the Lord sets us on is the best He's given to us. He's given us His best shot; His all.

And now, I think He deserves my all and determination to press on, looking forward to the glorious future He has in store, throwing away anything that hinders and running the race.

For God? Please?

I just watched the Taiwanese game show with Jackie hosting (again haha). This episode was another competition for dogs & owners. Sounds typical, but Taiwanese ideas really rock man. There was this stage where the dog has to stand on a platform, which is surrounded by a toy train-track. The owner would be standing a distance in front of him. The game goes like this: a toy train travel past the dog, and on it was something distracting or tempting (meat, loudhailer etc). The winner was the one who stayed on top for the longest and not get distracted and walk off the platform.

The key was for the dogs to really keep their eyes on their owner. Once they turned away and looked at the distractors or other people screaming at them, it was so easy to stray. And it's not just fixing their eyes on the owner; they had to obey too. They had to trust in Him. They had to focus.

Oops did I type 'Him'? Haha yeap fine another cheesy analogy. How essential though, that we fix our eyes on Him, for He knows best.

Thank You Lord for bringing me through e week, retreat & Youthphoria! Booths were great!!

Yea i'm very sorry. I still really am. It hurts real bad; to have a friend give up on you. May I, though, plead you; I implore you: Don't give up on this friendship? Not that I deserve anything at all, but let's work it out for our Lord? Maybe will take some time & tears, but please. Let's do it for Him. Yea i'm no position to say anything. It may not be the same again; but there's certainly room for reconciliation. Will you see me not as a God's failure, but God's project? Just for Him?

I've Still Got the Joy

God's good all e time. Huh. Yea and when the bad times come, we wonder. Maybe it's time to relook at the sentence itself. To look at the word good. When God says He's good, wads it mean? Yea maybe it's time I need to believe in that not based on circumstances or my own definition. When God's good, He's good in His own terms, not ours.

So, God's good when He:

Is disgusted at the sin, but crazy for the sinner;

Gives us a path we'll wanna choose again if given the choice;

Does not change a situation, but our minds for e better;

Does not remove a pain, but shares it;

Sees through our masks into our crying hearts;

Is there to pick us up when there's no one left;

Keeps each precious tear that fall;

Disciplines when He has too, not when he feels like;

Wants to forgive more than we want to be forgiven;

Turns our mistakes into miracles.

You are a goodgood God.

Why am I still crying? I don't know. I don't know anymore. But the deepest joy comes from the deepest pain; greatest peace comes from the greatest turmoil. Hope comes from hopelessness; from mourning comes dancing. All because of a good God.

I've got the Word; the Word of God that sets me free.

Sorry Fren

It hurts when I hurt others. Especially those closer. And knowing that inevitably, your 101th mistake will surely change their faith and trust in you, even if unconsciously: ouch.

The real pain was that I always wanted to be a faithful friend, yet failed to. I thought I'd been one, but in the end failed to; that was a real stab in the heart. Yea sorry for the shock. That thought was simply 'unredeemable' I guess, and yea I really didn't mean it. Selfish, heartless, childish. I guess I failed the ‘test’ of friendship huh.

I hope you know though, that I kinda struggled for 2 years, my own fault and not anyone's, and maybe I just blurted out this time coz I really really dunno what to do already. There were really unbearable times, but I just held on and didn’t say anything. That’s when the thoughts came in. But this time I just couldn’t take it, but I really didn’t mean it. I really didn’t mean it. The joys and jokes far surpassed the bad times, and I am grateful especially after so much nonsense I’ve caused. But I guess for now, the damage is done. I'm still here to offer anything, if there's any.

Of course I wanna be normal and myself and everything, and I'll really try my best. Maybe you can’t understand why I can’t be just normal; maybe coz it never really hurt you like that before. Thank God it didn’t. Yea I don’t wanna be fake at the same time? Coz sometimes it’s just painful, so it’s hard to be myself. But yea I promised I’ll give my all, and I think I already gave my all since the start. If still not good enough, I’m sorry. Guess God’s the only one who won’t disappoint.