I'm a loser...SO WHAT! He Lifts Me Up!

Straight after the previous post, the next morning, mother allowed me to be a SM. Another miracle. Normal lah..it's God what :)

I feel like giving up talking to Daddy sometimes because of his laupok-kai ears. Almost everything you tell him has to be repeated at least 2 times. I had a hard time in Vietnam man frankly. And worse still, I know my ears are starting to get bad too.

Than I think about God. It seems like He has a hearing problem too. Everything must be repeated a thousand times. And maybe...just maybe prayers will get answered. Don't even know if I'm praying for the right thing. Sooooo..it gets tiring praying sometimes. I have a bad habit of not saying grace sometimes too. KEVIN LAM. WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!??

Than it reminded me. It's not about the answers, but the relationship. Even if Daddy cant hear at all, will I forsake and stop talking to him? And how much more, should I keep praying!

I ran today, but started late coz the sun refused to go down. So I decided to run half the distance in case I only reach home in time for supper. Since it was half the distance, i figured I could run double the speed. MAN. How wrong. Running dosen't work in proportions man. Halfway cui already.

Suddenly a thought flashed across (during the cui part):

Run the race like you're gonna win. Don't run like you're gonna die!!

I must say there's more joy in me right now, but the number of complaints and grumbling and maybe even bitterness is still on the rise. Somehow I always think I'm gonna be at the losing end of every situation. Sometimes I just feel like sprinting until I collapse and die. If there's a car coming, let it run me down, coz I'm tired of running the race. I'm the big fat loser anyway!!

Hey dude. Run like you have plans to be prosperous and a hopeful future. Run like you're victorious! If not you're accusing God of lying in Jer 29:11!

I know I'm victorious in Christ. And I don't have to behave like a loser, complaining and cursing and swearing. I should be rejoicing in the Lord. And of course, don't stop running. I didn't okay...

I just got the purpose driven devotional, and a nice reminder it was: that God meant everything for good.

AUDIO A ROX!!!

To live your life you got to lose it
And all the losers get a crown

GET DOWN HE LIFTS ME UP! (X DUNNO HOW MANY TIMES LA)

This valley is so deep
I can barely see the sun
I cry out for mercy Lord
AND HE LIFTS ME UP AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HARLOW!

Wow it's been a week since Vietnam, and man..I miss the slackness there already. Oh no greener grass again.

It's just the first week of school, and I had a panic/stress attack just now, when suddenly everything came again. After 2 months of slacking, it's no joke u know. I suddenly started to doubt if I heard God correctly when He asked me to be a SM (Spiritual Multiplier-like PCGL) in crusade. I mean many people were asking me to really think about it coz I think they know I always over-commit, and I really felt it was God caling me to it during crusade meta camp last year. And I myself wasnt even thinking of it, coz I knew I may not cope. I just wanted the slack worship ic thingy.

The verse that spoke was weird. It was something like 'if you dont do it now, you'll never get another chance. It'll be gone.' Oops..so did I answer the call out of fear? Coz i know after i graduate the chance would really be gone.

I thought a miracle happened when Mummy Lam agreed to let me be a SM. I thought that was God's confirmation. And i was so glad I said yes, even though I was so reluctant. But I felt God's call so strongly. But now as I look back and after all the disappointments in hearing God's voice, I really wonder if that was Him. Today I found out it was all miscom, and that she thought I meant 3 cell groups INCLUDING church. I think in the end I'm just trying to follow His ways and honour Him. Surely He won't punish me for that? Okay distorted image...

If He can use our mistakes and sins for good, how much more can He use our attempts to honour Him?

ANyway, I came back from Vietnam and went straight for youth, and they were having worship. And it was such a great feeling to come back to my spiritual family; one thing I took for granted. Thank God for church ppl.

Focus on your giants - you stumble

Focus on God - your giants will tumble

BYEBYE GOLIATH :)

ADIOS!

It's weird.

I've been telling people how I've been refreshed and all; how it's been a good time here with God and everything. But I'll be back home tomorrow, and I must say that I sometimes I feel worse then when I came. I asked for healing, but it seems like there's more hurt. I asked for deliverance, but the thorn just grows bigger. I ask for answers; I hear none. I end up more discouraged; more angry. I'm lost. I feel disgusted with myself; for the big mistakes I made that caused pain I could have done without; all my selfish thoughts. Big regrets. And i'm scared of the year ahead. Will it be the same??

Somehow, Doctor God will do the surgery in His time. He knows exactly when we need an operation. Because to Him it's not about time, and this surgery is not only about healing. It's more than that. I know after the op, I'll be stronger than before. I'm so thankful for Romans 8:28, coz if all our mistakes can never be used for good, that'll be soso sad.

Thank God for second chances.

"Ocean Floor" by Audio Adrenaline

The mistakes I've made
That caused pain I could have done without
All my selfish thoughts
All my pride
The things I hide
You have forgot about

They're all behind you
They'll never find you
They're on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They're on the bottom
Of the ocean floor


Adios Audio Adrenaline.

Adios Vietnam! Will miss you. But I've got a new life to live back home :):)

On the brighter side, I've learnt so much!! Thank you all back home, for your prayers and everything. Really appreciate it. Generally, I've enjoyed my time here, and will definitely miss the slackness when school starts. Haha. Byebye.

And the sound of Your Name
Is a beautiful thing
I love You, I love You, I love You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Schindler's List

It's all about bringing people to Heaven. Or rather, it's about saving people frm Hell.

I just watched Schindler's List. I think my life changed abit tonight. If you haven't heard about Oscar Schindler, go watch it man. A true story! Basically, it was during the brutal massacre of the Jews, and this brave soul was purely there to do business and gain from the war, starting a factory that made pots and pans, and later ammunitions. And he was a sinful man, gambling and drinking etc. He later made connections with the top generals of the Nazis, and later had permission to employ Jews for cheap labor. And his employees would actually be saved, because they were considered as essential workers or something like that. He had to 'buy' them though. At first, he just wanted to make money. But his heart began to change after witnessing the countless deaths in the camps. In the end, he saved 1100 people, till he was broke.

The mass murders were so horrifying. Extremly horrifying. There was this one part where a group of women and small girls had to go naked into what looked like a gas chamber. There were sprays hanging from the ceiling, ready to spurt out poisonous gases. And the lights suddenly went off, and all of them started screaming terribly. But miracles do happen, so watch the movie if you wanna know what happened to them. Harhar. Yup but the gas chambers did happen in real life, and it's such an awful thought. So were the incinerators and mass shootings. Just horrified man..don't think i can sleep already. It's 2.33am Singapore time right now!

Ok my england ain't PAUderful enough to express all this in words, but the scene that moved me was the last few mins when the war actually ended. Oscar had to flee to avoid being captured, since the Allies were in control by then. Before he left, all 1100 Jews were standing around him, bidding farewell. And I thought he would celebrate. I thought he would give some grand farewell speech. Wish them good luck. Maybe hug every one of them. Throw a farwell celebration.

But he wept.

He wept. He pointed to the car in front of him and said," This car could have saved 10 more." He took a badge made purely of gold on his jacket," This could have saved one more. One more!" He wept bitterly. "It could have saved one more!"

Immediately, Pastor Rick Warren came to mind. Haha his one more thingy. If Oscar did not waste away his money, he could have saved many more. From the gas chambers. From the incinerators. From the bullets.

Alrighty lessons i can learn!! Sounds Taupok-y. Hahaha. Go off to read other blogs if you're bored. This is for me to put down my thoughts, though I reallyreally hope it can bless you!! Yes YOU!! YOU who's reading this!! HAHAHA.

Oscar wasted money. So what have we been wasting? I guess I can relate that to TIME. And maybe the chances that we had to share the gospel. And at the end, I don't want to be weeping and saying I could have saved 10 more or 1 more. Because the horrors of hell are so real. If Man can devise such evil tortures, I wonder how much more horrifying hell is. And there's reallyreally no time to waste. It's urgent.

Lesson 2!! Oscar actually had a sidekick, Itzhak Stern, a Jewish accountant. Without him, Oscar wouldn't have probably saved anyone. He made the lists of thousands, pulled people out just before they were sent away to be executed, did all the accounts and everything. And I know that our God specialises in using sidekicks. We may not see how doing background work and being faithful in the small things can bring glory to His kingom, but we never know how He can use those small things to bring salvations and save souls. With the horrors of hell so close, it's not about bringing glory to ourselves or anything, but it's really about being part of His plan to save more from hell. There's no time to think about glory for ourselves really. Because that could cost 1 more. Maybe 10 more. Oh and in the end, of course, Itzhak himself was saved.

Lesson 3!! I've always wondered why on earth did I choose a business course. I'm just not cut for it. Always kena CORN. HA. jargong. And i've always asked God how would He be able to use this for His glory. This movie just answered it. It was business that brought Oscar to the Jews. The people he was going to save. It was business that brought Oscar to the people he was going to save. I know that many of us are asking why one earth are we where we are right now. Surely it dosen't seem like God can use JC life for His glory?!? All they teach is completely irrelevant!!! Everything seems so meaningless!! Oh yeah. You never know how God can use YOU for His glory. How you are fitting exactly into His plan. And how He may even use that to bring you to the souls you are going to save. So hang in there and wait for the GLORY OF HIS PLAN:):) Harhar.

Alright that's about it. It's 3.14 AM Spore time. I'm slow, but it's alright. Coz i'm on the way to saving souls. I hope i'll keep this movie in mind when my evangelism passion dies out. Coz it's not even about passion or spreading the gospel only when I feel like it. It's about saving souls. Just doing it. Just keep saving and saving, more from the horrors of hell. Clearly, Hitler and his soldiers represent the devil and his minions. And the day will come when the war is over. And we'll all be liberated. Schindler's List? The Book of Life. And I know my name is written on it. I'm saved from the horrors. I'm saved! I'm saved!!! Thank You Lord!!! Thank You!!!!

Jesus You are my Reward
To see Your face on that day
It's all I'm living for

Should We Even Ask?

I just read tonight's Daily Bread devotion, about large asking resulting in large receiving. I think that struck something in me because right now, I seemed to have given up asking God for things. Sure I know He wants to give me His best and I know in the end His blessings will always be better than what I can imagine. And it's exactly because of that, I feel like giving up asking, since His ways are always better and He wants to give us what He wants for us rather than what we want. Does this mean that our own desires are always wrong? He said "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you." Of course after all the arguments that it should be read in context and all that, it feels like our desires will always be wrong and...man..i think deep inside I went:" Yea right. That's crap..when will God ever give us what we want..."

Should I give up on that promise? Cause I think all of us went through that..we ask God for something and most of the time, we won't get it. Than He'll say it'll harm us in the long-term, and that it's for our own good, He's got better things for us...blahblah. OK. Fair enough. So ask for what??? Don't ask loh. Just do anything You want with us. Why ask us to ask You, when most of the time, You'll just give back a cruel NO??

Alright. I know there's still some anger and bitterness inside me towards God. Think alot of us are tired of asking. Looking at what I've just typed though, I've made God look like a slave-driver. But He just wants to be my friend. I know I treat Him like a servant too sometimes. I thought I was seeking Him; yet I'm actually DEMANDING from Him. This paragraph spoke to me:

God comes to us like this because He wants a relationship. But sometimes we only want results. He wants to talk. But we only want Him to fix things. It's not that He's against results or minds fixing things. He actually enjoys serving us. But He wants to be more than a servant. He wants to be a friend. Though I fear sometimes we want only a servant.

Think we sometimes come to a point where nothing really encourages us anymore. Not even the Word. Not even our families and friends. Not even God. Still let's ask for His will to be done in our lives. That's something safe we can still ask for i guess.

Pathetic-Ungrateful-Blur-Lam: BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!

GOD: You just haven't seen the full story yet.


Anyway, today daddy and I had a world of a time with Google earth. He was utterly amazed. And that was enough to let us dream of a holiday to Hawaii. He said mummy would have to cater 1000 times first, b4 we get enough of this stupid thing called money. Despite all the horrors I got from Literature in lower sec, I decided to look at VENICE, and that's really one of the most beautiful places ever. I think that'll be one my honeymoon destinations, since my father said it's really romantic. HAHAHA. WAKE UP KEVIN LAM. Who would wanna go with you :( I think i just faster propose to Rudy lah, and we'll head to Venice before going to Africa to start churches. HAHAHA. It's 2 AM Singapore time, so i'm not thinking right man, and talking loads of rubbish.

Btw i'm still living in Singapore time, for several reasons. Firstly, the 'brightness' here is totally weird and still looking like Singapore's brightness. It's 6am and the sun's almost out!!! Secondly, I think i'm slow enough. If I still lag one more hour behind, that's it man. And i also wanna keep up with all of u back home of course.

Back to google earth. I started coz i saw Gab's blog. Some cool stuff I found: Goodluck Garden, AMC, Esplanade, Fairfield, Ho Chi Minh, The Vatican, Hoover Jam. HAHAHA. That was jam nice man. Seriously...3D somemore. :)

Playin with Google Earth reminds me of God's power again. How BIG He is man.

Soooo...should i stop asking God?

In My Own World

WAU..hahaha. I just read this devotional thing that talked about childlike faith, and something strucked me. It briefly talks about how children are actually always in their own world and are actually lonely, yet it's a different kind of loneliness we adults..ok not so old yet..we older ones feel. There's a touch of wonder and amazement in the midst of it, and through it all, kids seemed to be contented that they are actually lonely, simply because they are already in wonder of whatever is going on in their own world. Whatever they may be dreaming about, but they are in awe and fully contented about it, with no worries about the outside world.

I don't think it refers to being anti-social, or introverted or even being blur. Hahaha. Sure Christianity is a family thingy, and we gotta be immersed in healthy fellowship. That's important. But what about the times when we feel lonely? What about the times when the world seems to abandon us, and everyone has got their own friends?

I figured that I should go back to the times when I was a little kid, and try to remember how I felt in times of loneliness. Times when I felt abandoned. And this is cool, but I don't remember any!! I don't think it was because I had a fan club surrounding me or something, but i think i don't remember simply because I DIDN'T CARE!!! SO WHAT!! So what if i was alone?!? I remember being always consumed in my own world thinking about..hmmm..at that time still animals, power rangers, magic school bus, dinosaurs, backstreet boys and westlife. No guitars yet. HAHAHA i greatly regret about the last 2 man. COAST to COAST. HAHAHA. YUKKKK.

And of course I wasn't that outcast, but when I played catching during recess and stuff like that, I know I enjoyed fully, without worrying who's my friend and who's not and when's the next project to hand in. Around friends I enjoyed their company. Around nobody, I enjoyed nobody's company.

As we grow older, we start to think too much. Or we're forced to think too much. But I wanna get back there. When I'm around my precious friends now, i wanna enjoy their company. And when I'm around nobody, i wanna enjoy God's company.

So child-like faith includes contentment and pure amazement of God, even when we're all alone. Amazement in the midst of loneliness.

Niiiiice.

Alone with God

On Sat and Sun before Daddy came back, I went to town and walked around alone. It was relaxing and stressful at the same time; stressful coz I scared somebody eyeing my wallet and wanna kidnap me, and relaxing coz nobody knows who I am and because the people here don't judge like Singaporeans do.

On Sat night I walked around till there was nothing much left to do, and I thought to myself: What's one thing that I won't be able to do if Daddy was with me? ANS: To sit down and do nothing. So i went over to some colourful fountain and sat down there, in e midst of families and plenty of little kids, all running and playing. I had a hard time identifying which kid belonged to which parent, coz everyone was like one big family. And as I sat there I felt like a Vietnamese. Smiles greeted me. There were some long balloons given out, and the children were all using it to dip the water. Some played catching around this exhibition, both parents and children. It was wonderful. In Singapore, parents would probably feel paiseh and passer-bys would probably laugh. Oh i think they wouldn't even have time to go out with their children. And there wouldn't be free ballons coz that person must have calculated the cost and decided not to lose money. Money, money, money...I hate money. But I like some things that it can buy. So maybe I still like money. HAHA i dunno lah.

I must be thankful for my family though. When we were young, we used to play baseball in the garden downstairs every evening. We bought this red baseball bat and put slippers all around the field. Even mummy lam would play. And I would hit the ball so hard that Daddy would have to go pick it up for me. And we'll run round and round the field. I think those were the happiest days of my life so far. So next time I shall play baseball with my own wife and kids too. HAHA!! And with God above smiling...Glimpse of heaven man.

I spent my birthday in a blackout. All alone with Jesus and a guitar. The best birthday ever. Seriously.

Cycles

I used to hate vicious cycles of the ups and downs in life. In my 'low' times, it gets so depressing and it looks like there's no hope ahead. In my happy times, everything looks good and hopeful, yet there's just that fear and the awaiting of the next Great Depression to arrive. SO in the end, life is either sad or just waiting for sadness. Of course there would be the BLANK times too. The NORMAL-LA periods. HAHAHA. Which is again usually followed by some depression.

God is that the life you want us to live? Were we created to be weeping and crying? Were we created just to go through problems, and vicious cycles?!

I've learnt though that each time we go through a cycle, it's not wasted. I know that each time God is either teaching me something new or He's refining some character flaw in me. So it's okay for cycles after all, because when God has finished up the work in us we'll move on to a new one. And there'll be a day when there'll be no cycles, but just worshipping Him. ROX. I can only imagine..haha actually that song like abit farnie..I thought we can't even imagine what it's gonna be like. So it should be 'I Cannot Imagine' rather than 'I Can Only Imagine'. HAHA. " I cannot imagine..what it'll be like..."